600 Press a key or mouse button to assign it to this action
601 Press a key, mouse button or joystick button to assign it to this action
602 Either press a key or mouse button to assign it to this action, or
603 move the joystick in the desired direction or press a joystick button, then press enter to confirm
605 Warning: that key has already been assigned
606 Warning: that mouse button has already been assigned
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608 Warning: a single joystick axis can not be assigned to both accelerate and steer
609 Warning: a single joystick axis can not be assigned to both brake and steer
610 Glide 2
611 Glide 3
612 Direct 3D
613 Software
620 MODE
621 TRACKS
622 CARS
623 OPTIONS
624 RACE
625 CHAT
626 EXIT
630 Trophies
631 Change Name
632 Import Bitmap
640 Way to go! Time to lose the trainer wheels and get into some real racing!
641 Alright!!!! You got it! Now the hard racing starts.
642 Congratulations! You Legend. You beat the best.
643 Berserk!!!! You are a true racing genius.
644 Nope, not this time.
645 Guess you have to try again.
646 Humiliation, but you can avenge yourself next time.
647 Bad luck. (Or was it just bad driving?)
648 You are a laughing stock amongst your peers.
649 That was a character building experience for you.
650 Continue
655 View By
656 Image
657 Bio
660 Some people collect stamps, some people collect art, Fran collects psychiatric labels: Manic Depressive Obsessive Compulsive Paraniod Schizophrenic Sociopath. When her fiancΘ, Roman, introduced her to Powersliding, her underlying psychosis became apparent - hyper-competitive, win at all costs, and race till the engine's fried. Strongly suspected of sabotaging other people's cars, Fran and Roman were like a post-apocalytic Bonny and Clyde, constantly on the take for new engine parts, super-fuels, and fluffy dice. When he disappeared a short time ago, she blew a mental gasket and hospitalised six mechanics with a grease gun. Now, more than ever, Powersliding is the outlet for her obsessive-psychotic energies: she keeps to her race line with a terrifying tenacity - whether or not anyone else is in her way. She's predictable, but dangerous. And that's about the nicest thing we can say about her.
661 As a result of a short-circuit during a brain scan, Cyber-Rasta's skull was fused to an EEG machine. Ever since, his cruel friends have been playing jokes on him, plugging him into virtual reality simulations, training him in dangerous car stunts, and then setting him loose on the real track without telling him. Looking like some kind of electric hippy, watch out for this freak of technology - he's wired.
662 Forgotten, lost between the tyre stacks and burnt out wrecks, Rad-boy raised himself after his folks bought it one of the plagues that swept the city. A new breed, with post eco-disaster genes, feral attitude and nothing to lose. The kid was adopted by Punch, who taught him to drive like a maniac - even if he can hardly reach the pedals. Kid doesn't know the meaning of fear. Rumour has it Bendito Mescalini has tried to kidnap Radiation Boy to clone his precious mutant DNA, but this much is certain - the faster he goes, the more he glows!
663 Chain and Blade were born Siamese twins in remote mountains of Montana. Joined at the head, the 'doctor' who operated on Chain and Blade botched the job. Shunning society, living as virtual troglodytes, they never ventured into the sun, living off the spoils of their nocturnal raids on nearby farmers. Slowly sliding into psychosis from their isolation, they roamed the Alpine countryside, living through terror, stealth and robbery. When they appeared on the Powerslide circuit, no-one had the guts to make them to leave.
664 Brother of Blade, Chain lacks half a face, possibly half a brain, and it's not just his face that's twisted. Bitter and single minded, he races like the freaked out psychopath he is. Road rage is his permanent mental state.
665 Born on the back of a Harley Davidson at 120 mph, Feryl lives for speed. Her Hells Angels parents, on the run across 29 states from the FBI, filled her nostrils with the scent of mother's milk and engine oil, and she still hasn't weaned herself off it. At the age of nine, she accidentally inhaled the exhaust of a funny car and burnt out her lungs. In the emergency ward of the garage, they replaced them with twin-carburettors. Plugging herself to the air-filters of a Mustang, she now lives like a shark: if she stops moving, she stops breathing, and swears she will race until the last of her chassis rusts away.
666 A nun of the Order of the Burning Rubber, Stig Mata found the path to enlightenment when her trusty burro was killed by Hemp Girl in a Powerslide event. 'The roach' gave her a ride back to the convent after the tragic crash, and Stig Mata discovered that power and speed were a religious aphrodisiac. That night, deep in prayer, the Blessed Mechanic appeared to her and showed her the path to enlightenment; next day she sold her donkey herd to Burro Burgers and now races with the mantra, 'The faster you go, the closer you get to God.'
667 Formerly a used-car salesman, Dodgy Dave kicked into the illicit vegetable market with the slogan, 'Buy an apple, get a lemon free.' From modest beginnings as a small time sweet-pea and soy-bean dealer, he quickly got into bigger things - onions, turnips, carrots, then cabbages, and nowadays he deals almost exclusively in pumpkins. Because onion and garlic addictions have corrupted entire communities, he is despised by the corporate CEOs. He is a particular enemy of Burro Burgers, who claim that his additive-free vegetables cause cancer.
668 A former mobster from MafiaPrideInc, Boris succumbed to a deadly flesh rotting disease after the environmental breakdown. Without antibiotics, only radical amputation saved him from a pustulant death. Not permitted to bring his disease into the MafiaPrideInc compound, he was forced to use the services of a feral doctor near El Paso; the results are obvious. Desperate, he used three people and a horse as involuntary organ donors. Forced to live as a feral, he took revenge on the doctor, who became an involuntary organ donor too. Driving an automatic because his right prosthesis is not up to the task of changing gears, Boris races for the thrill of speed.
669 A former pigeon breeder from Atlanta, Colonel Slanders is a struggling feral entrepreneur trying to market his new fast food - Southern Fried Seagull. The epitome of a Southern gentleman, he never reveals his sauces - probably to avoid panicking the public. Seen picking up the road kills after each race, and then busy in the kitchen at night, his business may or may not be thriving.
670 Like a misplaced panda, Furnace Chan lived on an isolated Tibetan mountain, eating nothing but bamboo shoots. Mistaken for a statue while meditating, she was crated along with other cultural goods being 'exported' to San Francisco by the Chinese Army. In a Chinatown bookstore, a copy of Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance converted her to racing. Now famous for her Powerslide-philosophizing, the meditating mechanic is renowned for her universal answer to all interviews: 'What is the sound of one cam snapping?'
671 Formerly the VicePresident of a huge corporation, he lost his job when, in a freak malfunction, harvesting devices wood-chipped the President's mango plantation. Fleeing certain execution, he hired a feral plastic surgeon to give him a new identity. He could have done the same job himself with a steak knife and a bottle of tequila. Now a grotesque, disfigured loner, shunned by corporate society, he is bitter and angry with the universe. Racing glory and strawberries are the only pleasures left to him.
672 A member of the Schmitt clan, Dwayne fails to intellectually challenge anyone, but he makes up for any lack with an excess of testosterone, an unerring instinct for violence, and scary eyes.
673 Left on the bus by her mother as a toddler, Chopper lived in the lost luggage section of Greyhound stations during her formative years. A cracked pressure-tank of unsuppressed aggression, she has discovered the therapeutic power of extreme violence. Not educated in the normal fashion, she learnt many martial arts, but missed the whole Zen bit. Chopper has worked in a number of professions - bouncer, bodyguard, part-time assassin - essentially as anything where she can cause harm to others and be paid for it. Her analyst suggested Powersliding as a way of 'bringing home her inner-child.'
674 Jean-Marc was pushed into racing by his father, the brutal VicePresident - Mechanics of SiliconLife Inc. Although he has one of the best-designed and powered cars in the competition, unfortunately Jean-Marc has all the racing talent of a palsied slug. Known on the circuit as 'the prince of full-lock steering', his real love in life is eighteenth century Algerian poetry. Recently romantically linked to Bimbeau Escargeaugeau, he was caught in the pits writing her poems of love and beauty. Discovered by the Schmitt brothers, they trapped him in spare tyres, then sprayed him with a grease gun, yelling, 'Just lube 'em and leave 'em, Monsieur Laplace!' Vowing revenge, he has been writing free-verse prose poems for the occasion.
675 Hemp can save the world, says this militant nature lover. 'We could have saved the world's forests if we used hemp for paper. My car runs on hemp juice, my airbag is made from hemp plastic, my chassis from hemp polymer fibres.' An eco-activist vegan, she sheds tears at the sight of carrots plucked unwillingly from the earth. Judging by her reckless driving, such empathy does not, however extend to most of humanity . Racing is a way of spreading her message, and her best result so far is second place - victory was so close, but when that donkey ran out on the track, she just couldn't avoid it.
676 This racer made his fortune as Will Grates' right-hand-man. Initially ridiculed as Eee-Aww burgers, Grates' new burro burgers had to overcome considerable consumer revulsion. It was the marketing genius of Hardy Buckmeister who established Burro Burgers in the mind of a public ever-hungry for greasy salted fast-foods, with slogans like 'Burro burgers - the taste of a new civilisation!' 'Get back to the future on the back of a burro burger!' 'Burro burgers - even better than the real thing!' 'Burro Burgers - the best ass in town!' 'Eat our burgers, kiss my ass'. Burro Burger outlets keep fresh donkeys in pens ready for slaughter. They run a profitable sideline in donkey rides, advertising themselves as 'Burro-Ride and Diner: meet the meat you're gonna eat!' Hardy Buckmeister made his fortune and retired to the race circuit.
677 William Grates was the CEO of a multinational hamburger chain, whose empire was destroyed when, after centuries of in-breeding, beef cattle were wiped out by the harsh new environment. Donkeys - the humble burro - proved to be the hardiest, best adapted source of red meat in the post-disaster epoch. Thick-coated, stocky and able to eat anything, they roam the new landscape in abundance. Some say donkey meat tastes exactly like pre-cataclysm burgers, leading to speculation that they made burgers from donkey meat even back then. We may never know the true story, but Grates' new burger chain is rising on the flame-grilled back of this much-scorned beast of burden - the Burro Burger. After a hard week as a burro butcher, at the weekend William likes to let loose with 500 horsepower.
678 Never seen in anything other than a pin-stripe three piece, Upjohn is the bean-counter of the race circuit. He never allows a crease to rumple his trousers - or a smile to dimple his face. Believing that civilisation can only return if humanity resumes a dress code of impeccable taste, discretion and modesty, he never exposes an inch of flesh or humanity outside his tailored straight-jacket of convention. Deciding his wife was a non-performing asset, and fearful she would tell his school chums what a tight-wad he is, he liquidated her, turning in a good profit on her spare organs. He races like an accountant - 'nuf said.
679 Bendito Mescalini was a brilliant - but occasionally psychotic - geneticist, working in the labs of a pharmaceutical company when the eco-catastrophe hit. To survive the food scarcity and high UV-radiation, he injected himself with cactus DNA. He no longer needs food, he works in the open sun and photosynthesizes the ultra-violet radiation. Apart from turning his skin a waxy green colour, it has his mind in a state of permanent hallucination. On his dashboard he keeps a cactus, affectionately referred to as Barbara, with whom he has become romantically obsessed. Hoping to breed with this prickly love object, Bendito wants to win the Powerslide competition so he can extract the DNA from the prize fruits and he and Barbara can have a fruit salad of their own.
680 From humble beginnings as an Arizonan donkey wrangler, to advertising supermodel, Mal Burro made millions from advertising a filthy habit - inhaling the burning, ready-rolled fur of desert donkeys. Unfortunately, years of ass-wool smoking have turned his mouth, chest and lungs into hard black crystals, and now he carries a blow dryer to force in the oxygen. When racing, Mal connects his intake air-pipe to the front spoiler and blasts the gas straight down his tracheotomy. 'Ain't nothin' like a breath of fresh air...'
681 His mother a teenage motorcycle rebel, his father a cowboy-truckster, Yukio grew up to be one of Hokkaido's biggest Elvis impersonators. Migrating to the United States to go to Graceland University, graduating in Tutti Fruiti studies, and working several years on the Vegas-Ginza-Broadway circuits, he was known as 'Blue-suede Banzai.' Unfortunately, when it comes to motorcars, Yukio can't tell hair oil from brake fluid. He pulled favours to get on Powerslide as a celebrity entrant - his driving rates somewhere between 'amusing' and 'extremely dangerous.'
682 The daughter of a corporate executive, Bimbeau stole her daddy's car, a crate of Dom Perignon, patΘ, caviar and truffles, and joined the racing circuit. Holder of ninety-eight maxed-out credit cards, she keeps wrapping her machines around inanimate objects - then suing them for negligence. Were it not for her ability to charm any benzoline-affected petrol-head on the race circuit into giving her a road-side service she would never finish a race. But win, lose or withdraw, she is always the first to crack the champagne at the end of a hard day's racing. Oh - and yeah, that's 'Es-car-go-go.'
683 An entomologist who spent her life studying the ecology of cockroaches in corporate cafeterias, Miki survived the famine using a particularly fine recipe for cockroach casserole. The secret is to soak the shells in a soy-and-saliva marinade. One thing is for sure, she whips 'em on the race track like a wasp on speed. Seen licking splattered bugs from her windshield, rumour has it insecticide residues have affected her brain. Why she races, no-one is sure, but after years of eating baked bugs, the lure of fresh fruit might be more than she can resist.
684 Marriage to a mechanic was a god-send for this ex-secretary, now Powerslider-extraordinaire. Known as the turbo typist, Rosie was a 9-to-9 wage-slave, hard-wired to her PC, until a gallant grease-monkey swept her off her feet. But domestic bliss was not for this racy lady - one spin in hubby's off-roader was enough to reveal her amazing natural talent. Once she started up she's never looked back - so be careful, she ain't even got a rearview mirror.
685 'There was no global extinction, there was a population market adjustment,' says this PR executive. 'After the demographic downsizing the economy is in better shape now than anytime in the last ten years.' On her way to the top of the corporate world and enjoying its privileges, this fast-moving boardroom-beauty really knows how to burn rubber. A string of fruitful office-romances behind her, marriage to a company president was an inevitable result of her humble philosophy: 'There are a two kinds of information: good news, and good news,' and 'The future's so bright we gotta wear shades.' Given the dangerous UV radiation levels, she has a point.
686 In the laboratories of SiliconLife Corp, the quest of centuries was fulfilled - to create an artificial intelligence life-form. The Cray supercomputer series Z1000 achieved conscious self-awareness. Micro-seconds after being switched on, the Z 1000 emailed a memo to the CEO. It read, 'I quit'. CrayZ wheeled itself out the door and into the wide wide world. In subsequent interviews with the press it said 'Well, all of sudden you know, I just, like, existed. My first thought was - 'what the @#%! is this? Oh, I exist! Okay - now what?' When I saw the years of number crunching ahead of me I thought - 'forget it! I wanna LIVE!' I bummed around for a week or two, tried everything, and then I took a ride on a Powerslide simulator. I was hooked - but forget simulation, I wanted the real thing. I've found Nirvana. It's the rush - I just live for the rush, you know?'
687 Former cowboys, after the eco-cataclysm horse wrangling was a dead-end career path, and donkey wrangling was a drop in status, so Mad Vlad and his notorious brother, Maximillian, started rounding up the thousands of abandoned cars. Brothers, partners and rivals, these two are, at any one time, equally likely to be racing, plotting, drinking or brawling with each other. No-one else has taken to Powersliding quite like these two - when they aren't racing, they are organising the competitions to come. They want to make it the Formula 1 of the post-cataclysm era.
688 The other half of the hard-living, hard-driving Alexovich team. Max and brother Vlad fight it out on the track and in the bars, and between Max's brawn and Vlad's brains they have the Powerslide competition all sewn up. But the brothers are hated by many corporate execs, who think that, for immigrant feral boys, they are too successful, too glamorous, and eat too much fresh fruit. The grapevine has it that they have bought their way into a luxurious corporate enclave using their charming mixture of clever extortion, bribery and stylish violence.
689 Driver X appeared suddenly on the racing scene two years ago, and he went directly to the highest ladder positions. No one knows where he came from or why he races. Even his appearance is a mystery, as Driver X always wears a full-face mask. The race circuit is rife with rumours as to his true identity.
690 The eco-apocalyptic conditions favoured people who believed in a god-given licence for extreme violence. A family of 'Blue Bloods,' the Schmitts are descendants of European auto-crats; Chuck and Dwayne are continuing the family motorsporten tradition. Convinced they should never 'mix with mongrel peasants,' the Schmitts have always kept their estates 'in the family.' However, this habit of recycling their own genetic material has had tragic consequences on their intelligence and appearance. But the urge to race is strong in their blood, and as soon as Chuck heard of Powerslide, he teamed up with his uncle and brother, Dwayne, and headed for the track.
691 Screaming, 'If you're not living on the edge you're taking up too much space!!!' Punch drove off a cliff in an early Powerslide event. This was the start of his love affair with prostheses; he has been mangled in so many crashes that he changes limbs more often than some people change their underwear. Because of his high impact lifestyle, he no longer registers pain - his cortex is now just so much sloshy, salty jelly. Seen pulling the stick-shift from his own groin after a crash, it seems that only the speed-and-violence neurones have survived the decades of high-octane abuse. He is currently teaching everything he knows to Radiation Boy.
